Mental Throw-up

I just spent an entire day thinking about what I am doing and I came to the conclusion that I am really selfish. Artists are really indulgent people, and we indulge in our work like its chocolate fondue with strawberries. Its not as if I never knew this, but its just been the highlight of my day. I just finished reading some of the articles from the Drawing Now catalog from MOMA 2002? I think thats the year? Anyway. The artists discussed in the article were Paul Noble, Mark Manders, Neo Rauch, David Thorpe, Kevin Appel, Toba Khedoori, and Julie Mehretu.
As artists we work within a criteria, or context that seems like an interesting idea to explore. Looking at artist like Paul Noble, and Kevin Apple I start questioning a lot of ideas about personal utopias. There work is so anti-Utopian yet it looks so Utopian. Kevin Appel's architectural drawings are so accurate, specific, clean, pristine, and there is a sense of structure. Yet the places are empty, uninviting and lonely. Its a lonely modernist utopia. Paul Noble's deals with the same subject. His buildings are a literal 'warning' to the viewer. Its a very anti-Utopian, and negative perspective of the world, yet I feel it comes from having Utopian ideals. I might lose you at this point because I can be very confusing. The more ideals and expectation one has the more one is disappointed, and notices the little nuances that are wrong. I am speaking not about just the world and society but even formally. The more Utopian ideals you hold, the more practical you became and realize how things really are in comparison to your ideals. Consider Mondrian's paintings. Utopia spelled out formally.
So I am going off a tangent but I realized as artists, it does not matter what stand you take, your body of work is this personal Utopia that we create. Personal propaganda. We indulge in these Utopias of objects made by us, and ultimately for us. I don't know if it was Man Ray or Duchamp, I think Man Ray who used the paper cutter to try and distance himself from his work. To literally take his hand out of the work. Man Ray can take the craft out of his work, but the work in the end is part of a body of work that is his vision. No matter what the subject matter is, its very much our agenda to propagate it. My work is extremely selfish. And I found myself asking who cares about a house I lived in that I paint over and over again? Do I as an artist have a function/responsibility?
In terms of history of art it seems like artists defined culture. Is that the function? Are artists producers of culture? Some or most of us are simply responding to the culture through our personal lenses. Here at school we are taught about all the different dialogues that are occurring now in the art world, and has come before us. So I know we are to continue this dialogue and perhaps come up with something valuable to say. But how do I know what is valuable? Whose values? Questions I have no answers to. Maybe this lengthy conversation I had with myself is a way to justify my choice of subject matter. I feel like I made up this whole idea of Utopia just so I can go back to mine and not feel guilty. I rest my case for now, and accept the awareness I have about my selfishness. Does awareness make the act more or less indulgent? Okay I must stop before I start sounding like Buddha. I don't mess with them gods... last time I made a joke about Jesus while painting my palette flipped and hit me in the face. True Story... ask Erin Donnelly.